After my post the other night, I decided that this change in me and M will not be summed up in 2 posts. So, there may be continuing posts as I improve my skills and she improves her behavior.
So to start post 2 I will talk about my reactions to her behavior and the baby steps to practicing Love and Logic techniques in parenting.
The teacher in me causes me to reflect on my day and M and C's day. Before L&L I recalled I used a lot of negative vocabulary with M. Examples, "
Stop! No! Don't do that! , etc." And how did she react? By doing the opposite of what I was asking her NOT to do of course. I never thought I would be in a power struggle with a 2 year old, but that is exactly what was happening. Unfortunately she was coming out the winner most of the time and I was going to bed exhausted each night.
As an adult and parent, I do not like to admit defeat or that I am wrong, but I gladly look back and agree to both of those. I don't believe our problems are cured, but I do feel that we are on the road to a peaceful existence.
Timeout has also been an easy "fix" for dealing with her behavior, except she would get out on her own or throw big fit. Yes, I did talk with her every time to discuss why she was in TO and how she should behave in the future. She always agreed to be nice to C or take a nap next time.
Well these practices were not working for me or for her, so that's when I decided to order the book below. I got it off amazon.com for under 20 dollars. There is the
well-known original that I will probably purchase in the future. But for now, I think this version suits us well.
Chad is not a big reader, so I told him I would create a cliff notes version. So feel free to use my notes too instead of buying the book. Here's the overall goal of L&L "
With Love and Logic, your children will learn how to live with the consequences of their actions, avoid blaming others for their problems, and make wise decisions." Well when I read this line, I thought "duh" isn't that every parent's goal for their child? Yes, but it isn't all that simple to approach every situation with that attitude.
To teach this ideal to your child is done through deposits and withdrawals. No, I'm not talking about money. You make deposits all day long by doing four simple things:
build self-concept
share the control or decision making
offer empathy, then consequences
share the thinking and problem-solving (not easy at this age, but does apply to older children)
I'll take each bullet and expand on it. Self-Concept: When my assistance principal was selling our staff on the idea of using L&L as a school wide management, she shared a story that made me laugh. Her son was taking his own precious time getting ready for school one day. She told him the car was leaving in 5 minutes and he needed to be dressed and in the car. Well, she stuck to her word and was in the car in 5 minutes. Her son wasn't completely dressed. He still needed his shoes. He made it to school without the shoes. He was never late again. This is hard to teach M right now, but I know it will come as she gets older.
Share the Control: I have been using this strategy with M for a long time, but I put more emphasis on it now. In the past I've told Marlee it is nap time. She pitches a huge fit, which usually wakes Cooper up. Then we spend several minutes battling over laying down for a nap. Well not anymore. I've starting asking her if she wants to take a nap now or in 15 minutes. She picks 15 minutes. So we set the timer. When it goes off, I say do you want me to carry you up the steps or do you want to walk? She picks one. I continue to give her choices until she's in her bed. Finally she's in her bed without an argument. Now leaving isn't as easy, but she's there. The most important thing to remember in sharing the control is in reality you are still in control because the choices you give your child always benefit you. I use this all day long and see the positive in it. Marlee is very much an "in control" child. So, she feels ownership over everything she does throughout the day. Sharing this control is considered the deposits.
Offer Empathy, then Consequences: This is where I have really seen the most improvement. I have been quick to overreact, especially when it comes to Cooper being the victim. It was easy for me to put Marlee in timeout then deal with what she did to him. Forewarning though, this is also the hardest principle to maintain. It is easy to blur empathy with sarcasm. For those of you that use sarcasm, you will understand the difficulty when you use empathy with your child. So now when she does something she shouldn't be doing, I say "So sad." Remove her from the situation and tell her she can join us when she wants to be a sweet girl. When she decides to get down, we talk about why she was removed and how we can improve the behavior next time.
The fourth bullet doesn't really apply to Marlee's age. I try and problem solve out loud with her, but this one makes the most impact on young adults. The main thing you can take away from this idea to use now is DO NOT GIVE WARNINGS!!!!! I'll talk more about this later.
Well this post ended up being longer than I thought, so I will leave you with this question: How many deposits do you make with your child each day?
Tune in for Love and Logic: Part 3 after the weekend.
We are off to TN to celebrate Cooper's first birthday on Saturday!
